First Time and Some

First Time and Some

Experts in grief often talk about the “firsts” being the most difficult to go through as a grieving person. There is some truth to this, but grief doesn’t have an end date.  To believe that you will not experience those deep feelings of loss in the years that follow, especially during significant times of the year, is unrealistic.

Christmas is a powerful time because it’s all about relationships – one of the few times of the year that most people make a big effort to get together. The person whom you want there is still not there after two, five or even ten years.  You still remember. You still miss.  It’s okay.

It’s important to hold on to a few special traditions that have been part of your life previously and help remember that special person.

Our children still make their Mom’s favorite Christmas cookies, put up the memory tree Christmas decorations and bring out the special Christmas books she used to read them as children.

Memories flood in like tidal waves.  Love is felt deeply.  A relationship of significance is still remembered and the opportunity to talk about hope found in Jesus is shared.

This is all good.

How will you remember your loved one this year?  What will you do?   What traditions help you to remember this person? How might hope be a part of your experience?

Making People Happy

It was sad news.  Devon's college friend. His wife had died leaving a 3-month old baby without a mother.  It happened so quickly.

 

I wonder if people will try making him “happy” this Christmas.  This is what we often try to do, especially after someone’s death and during the most celebrative time of the year…Christmas.

Have you noticed how people become so kind and unusually cheerful during this time of the year?  It seems that people are desperately hoping it’s going to be a joyful time because perhaps life hasn't been all that joyful the past few months.  It gives them permission to feel a certain “happiness” that will cover over anything else that makes them sad and lonely. But the happiness is short-lived.

Christmas will end and then what?

We glibly shout out the greetings “Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Have a wonderful time with your family and friends!”

But maybe not.  

Will Devon's friend be feeling particularly happy on December 25, 2012?  What will the holiday season be like for him?  What will be on his heart and mind as he gazes into his baby daughter’s eyes, celebrating her first Christmas…without…that's a good definition of loss.  “What will I be without this year that I had previously?  And how will that impact my Christmas?”

Reflect upon that for a moment.

Then consider this truth....

One thing you will never be without is Emmanuel, “God with us”. Jesus was born so that we will never be without Him in our lives.  And if we trust Him, we will never be separated from each other because of the gift of eternity.

Most likely, there is loss in people’s lives around you. Do you know what Christmas loss they might be experiencing? Are you trying to cheer them up?

It's not our job to make people happy.  Some people don't want to be cheered up. They’re waiting for someone who is willing to acknowledge their sadness and lonely heart this Christmas.

Rather than saying “Merry Christmas”, we might want to ask, “Is anything different about Christmas for you this year?” That question could lead to a heartfelt response about their Christmas loss. It also gives you an opportunity to meet that person where they’re at, happy or sad.